Midnight Poem

Dear Fellow Traveler,

As I struggle with connection, false narratives, and assumptions holding me back, I often find myself stuck in thoughts and chasms reaching deep into my soul. A few nights ago, I found myself awakened by such a chasm. What poured out was this poem. Now, I am NOT a poet. But this raw and unrefined piece flowed from my heart that night. In this journey, I want to share the good, bad, and ugly with you. So, here you go.

I do not connect
I cannot take up space.
(to protect you, to save you
from a life where I might let you down)

or worse,
disappoint you
in your life
in your thoughts
in your emotions
in your dreams

I build these walls not to desert you,
(but as not to harm you)

See,
I am a dangerous creature
when let loose, who knows what I will do
I do not want to harm you
(so it’s best I stay a pariah)
locked away in a self-imposed prison
without a key.

These are my thoughts,
overwhelmed by my emotions.
As vast and as big
Often shifting like an ocean.

I am unstable, unsteady,
(at least that is what someone told me)
who this mythical creature was
I do not remember
but the words
have tortured my soul.

Maybe it was fear or doubt
(who deemed me unworthy)
made me unwhole

If you want to get to know me
you must approach carefully
Do not move fast
as you might scare me.

I feel like I am broken
deep down inside
hurting and longing
(so I must hide)
from the world
from you
from life
from the truth

That I may not be as harmful as I thought
I still might not be a lost cause.

People might like me
Respect me
Need me
Even want me around

But even those thoughts scare me
But I am coming to realize
If I am going to be scared either way
Isn’t it better, safer to just let you in

So,
I still do not connect
But I want to
I’m learning to take up space
To support you, to be there for you
To share in the joys of life with you

All while not disappointing myself
In my life
In my thoughts
In my emotions
In my dreams

I am tearing down these walls not to scare you,
(but to try and no longer harm me.)